Sexual Chivalry: The Lone Knight

The book is finally done and available! This has been a long process, but one that I feel was very worthwhile – even if I am going down the self-publishing road. Generating income was a small motivator in the beginning, but no longer. More than anything I just want God to be pleased with my effort and the final result. If I earn enough to offset the costs, that’s plenty.

Sexual Chivalry: The Lone Knight can be purchased on Amazon here.

The Barnes & Noble version for the Nook reader can be downloaded here.

I’m working on making a simple .pdf version available as well.

You can download a sample chapter from the book on “The Book” page of this site.

Relational Religion pt 2

Last week my wife was 3,000 miles away to attend a professional conference at which she was presenting. We really don’t like to be apart so that week was trying for both of us. After she had been gone several days and I settled into my altered routine, I had a chance to reflect on married life when you’re flying solo. It’s a little weird. It’s not like bachelor life, that’s for sure. There are still expectations and responsibilities that come with being married, even if your spouse is not around each moment to notice your effort, or lack thereof.

I still did grocery shopping and got what I was supposed to. I still cleaned the house and did the laundry and the dishes. I didn’t go out with friends and both ogle and discuss the merits of girls we might have come across. I still lived as a husband even if my wife was not around. That doesn’t exactly make me special. It’s what you’re supposed to do. But it led me to think about the Christian life and the whole conversation about religion versus relationship.

A relationship comes with responsibilities. The more serious, or special, or committed the relationship, the greater the responsibilities. I think that “religion” could be understood as the whole of our responsibilities in light of our “relationship” with God. Religion may be done joyfully, or lazily, or even begrudgingly at times. But it’s still important that we follow through on our commitments even when we don’t necessarily feel like it.

I take out the trash whether I feel like it or not. In fact, I usually don’t feel like it. Shocking. But it is a duty that I’ve accepted in light of making a life and a home with my wife. You could say that I take out the trash religiously.

I don’t read my Bible religiously. I’m not proud of that. I should study God’s Word with regularity whether I feel a desire to in the moment or not. For all the talk about religion being empty, or shallow, or even wrong, there are some things that should be done religiously. Religion is not what brings salvation, but it is a response to our relationship with the God Who does bring salvation.

*Incidentally, thinking over this post has given me a new book idea, The Religion of Marriage. Need to explore that.

Relational Religion pt 1

A couple weeks ago a man in our small group Bible study announced that he had finally come to faith and became a Christian. He had been attending the church for a while and was a consistent part of our study. Most people didn’t even know that he was not yet a “believer”. He did actually believe in God, but deciding to commit to Him was a huge step that he took slowly and deliberately. Rightfully so. On the ride home I told my wife that I’ve always been curious about what the last straw is for someone in that situation. What is the final deciding factor? I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but it’s still an interesting question. Did he find some personal resolution with the problem of evil? Did he reconcile the role of faith in a science-obsessed culture? Did he come to terms with his position in light of a Divine Creator? I’ve usually figured that there was always some last question, some pressing issue, that needed to be answered before one would make that decision.

But thinking about it now has caused me to look at this process in a different light.

If someone were to ask me what the final deciding factor was in asking my wife to marry me, I wouldn’t even know what to say. Yes, of course there were some questions to be answered and some issues to be considered. But ultimately what caused me to want to marry her was the relationship that we already had. I spent time with her. I got to know her. I let her get to know me. All questions aside, I found her to be someone that I could love wholeheartedly, someone that I trusted to love me wholeheartedly, and someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. I built a relationship with her first before deciding to commit to relationship with her for all of my future.

I think that new believers go through this same process, in one form or another. We go through a dating phase with God, then an engagement. Then we make that final decision and commit to Him through accepting His atonement through the death and resurrection of Christ. We enter into a covenant, a marriage. A person can build a relationship with God, testing the waters, learning trust, learning communication, building a history with Him, long before deciding to commit to Him. In the end it doesn’t matter what the questions and answers were. Did he spend time with God, get to know Him, and allow himself to be known by Him? Did he find God to be someone he could love wholeheartedly? Did he find God to be someone he trusted to love him wholeheartedly? Did he find God to be someone he could commit himself to for the rest of his life? These are not theological questions. These are relational ones and can only be answered through pursuing relationship.

But, just like marriage, the relationship doesn’t cease at the moment of commitment. It ebbs and flows. It changes. It matures. There are responsibilities that aren’t necessarily all that fun. Sometimes the romance is sparse, but others it’s overwhelming. As Christians we’ve entered into marriage with the perfectly faithful Spouse. How is our faithfulness? If we were to sit with God on a couch in a marriage counselor’s office, where would the blame be if we’re not happy in our relationship?

I don’t think I’d be able to look God, or the counselor, in the eyes.

Summer Soundtrack

Each year I put together a mix CD for my wife and me to use as our “go to” summer soundtrack, whether hosting a party, or driving to the beach, or working and wishing we weren’t. I just finished this year’s collection and the track list is below. This is not my usually mopey indie collection. It’s summer! Happy June!

1. Islands On The Coast // Band Of Horses (Cease To Begin)

2. When You Were Young // The Killers (Sam’s Town)

3. I Stand Corrected // Vampire Weekend (Vampire Weekend)

4. Tripping Billies // Dave Matthews Band (Crash)

5. Fable // The Dodos (Time To Die)

6. Innocent Bones // Iron & Wine (The Shepherd’s Dog)

7. Chicago // Sufjan Stevens (Come On Feel The Illinoise!)

8. Bizarre Love Triangle // New Order ((The Best Of) New Order)

9. Magic // The Cars (Greatest Hits)

10. Desire // U2 (Rattle And Hum)

11. Can’t Stand Losing You // The Police (Every Breath You Take: The Classics)

12. Undiscovered // James Morrison (Undiscovered)

13. Every Ghetto, Every City // Lauryn Hill (The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill)

14. Make It Mine // Jason Mraz (We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things.)

15. No Man’s Land // Sufjan Stevens (The Avalanche)

16. The Devil Never Sleeps // Iron & Wine (The Shepherd’s Dog)

17. Come Down // Toad The Wet Sprocket (Coil)

18. Don’t Worry Baby // The Beach Boys (Endless Summer)

What are your sounds of summer? Share what songs signify the season for you!

Warning: Thinking May Lead to Wisdom

This last weekend was the Memorial Day holiday and I celebrated with my wife’s family, BBQ and country music. And eating. My sister-in-law and her boyfriend cooked up stacks of ribs, chicken kabobs, mac-n-cheese, plus all sorts of sides and desserts. All for only six people. Overkill, yes. But delicious overkill.

For the last couple months I have really stepped up my gym routine and worked on my diet. I was even starting to feel like I was making progress. It’s hard work, tedious, with the results coming so incredibly slowly. But diving into my Memorial Day BBQ feast was so easy and over so quickly. I did not even take a moment to really think about how much time and effort would be required to make up for that one meal.

How often do we really think about the consequences of our actions? Do we think about what it really means if we make one choice over another? If I were to look at that second slab of ribs as another two weeks worth of diet and exercise, would I still put it on my plate? And even though it would take a lot of work to counteract those ribs, it’s still possible to do so. What about decisions in which there is no going back once the choice has been made and acted upon?

In my church family there are a few marriages reeling from affairs. That is a life-changing decision that affects multiple people. There’s no going back. Did the person who committed the infidelity really take a moment to consider the cost? Even something so quick, easy, and accessible as viewing pornography… Does that person think about the images he will carry in his mind potentially for the rest of his life?

What about choosing whether or not to sleep with someone, or to lose your virginity in the first place? Those are life-altering decisions and can often alter the lives of more people than you would imagine. Yet they are over so quickly. If there was any enjoyment in the act, it fades. You’re only left with the fact of your choice. I’ve known so, so many people who would give anything to take back choices they’ve made for the sake of transient pleasures but at such a high cost. Such a surprisingly high cost.

What about dropping out of school? Or not getting that extra training you know you might need? What about never reading your Bible or dedicating time to prayer? What about not seeing a dentist for years, or failing to exercise and watch what you eat? What about quitting a sports team or music lessons?

How much of the pain we go through is completely avoidable? How much of the hurt we cause others is completely pointless? How much of our potential and our giftings is squandered?

Count the cost. Amazing that one of the steps towards wisdom is to actually think.

Double Sexy Standard

There is a double standard  between guys and girls when it comes to sexual purity and it’s certainly nothing new. It has always been the bride that wears white. Read any ancient document and you know that when it speaks of a “virgin” it is referring to an honorable woman. And presently, a girl who gives a lot of tail is a slut while a guy who gets a lot of tail is a player, a real man. That, my friends, is a double standard.

The thing is, though, that I agree with the existence of the double standard. But the way it manifests itself is often lousy, if not flat-out evil. And I believe that the more liberal sexual freedom this double standard seems to offer guys is an illusion.

But how can that be, you might ask?

Strength and courage are virtues, and even virtues that we are all called to pursue and walk in. But they could also be considered masculine virtues in that we look differently at a weak and timid man than we do a weak and timid woman. There is something comical about a woman running screaming from a mouse and jumping up to stand on a chair. But there is something tragic about a man doing the same thing. It goes contrary to what we believe a man ought to be. There is a double standard here, and it is another one that I agree with. We honor strength and courage in woman. We expect it in men. I think that’s the way it should be.

Sexual purity would seem to be a feminine virtue, even though it is one that we have all been called to pursue and walk in. Sexual immorality is sinful for men and women alike. But we do look differently upon a sexually immoral woman than a sexually immoral man, because sexual impurity is more contrary to what we believe a woman ought to be; a woman loses more of who she was called to be through sexual sin than a man does. The loss of sexual purity in a woman is more of a tragedy than in a man. We honor sexual purity in men, but we expect it in women. Again, I think that’s the way it should be.

This does not mean that men are more “free” to act out sexually. The woman involved in sexual sin does more harm to herself and her soul than the man does to himself, but that means the man involved in sexual sin does more harm to another person (his partner, the porn actress, etc.) than the woman does. The girl tears herself down. The guy helps her. This does not take away the girl’s responsibility for her own actions, but I believe that one day all men will be held accountable for their roles in the loss of women’s virtue.

A good woman would not help a man throw away his strength or his courage; an honorable woman should not help a man become less of a man. Likewise, a good man would not help a woman throw away her purity; an honorable man should not help a woman become less of a woman.

Gone Fishin’

I’m going to be taking a short break from writing here. Not long. A couple weeks at most, I hope. Here’s why:

1. I have a few freelance and pro bono projects that I’ve committed to and have not yet given them the attention they deserve and require to be done well. I want to clear my slate of these peripheral jobs.

2. I am working on a concept that I want to write about, but am afraid that it will be controversial and win me some ill will. I want to think it out as best I can before sharing.

3. Over the last couple days I have had the clear conviction that I need to learn how to love a few specific people. These people are the most unlovable and loathsome people to ever play a role in my life, but God is telling me to pray for them. I don’t want to, but I don’t have a choice in the matter. This is going to be an emotional breaking point, but I need to walk as I have been called.

Thanks to any and all.

Cinderella Ethics

When my wife and I bought our house we were impressed at the number of improvements the previous owners had made. The husband was very much a DIY weekend warrior and had tackled a lot of projects. The longer we’ve been here, though, the more we’ve realized that, yes he worked hard, but he was not very talented. Or, what’s more likely, he did a lot of cosmetic work to help sell the house but cut corners and did them on the cheap. Nice new kitchen sink, but what’s holding the plumbing together underneath? Nothing but gravity and wishful thinking. Great.

The general maintenance also left much to be desired. Some places that we cleaned after moving in appeared to not have seen any attention in years. Gross.

The front half of the house is all floored with tile. We assumed the tile was gray. But after I got down and scrubbed a little bit, surprise! it’s actually white. As I looked at the difference between the tile I had scrubbed and the tiles next to it I realized: I have 100s of square feet of filthy tile and the only way to clean it up, to restore it, is to scrub each one individually by hand. So, last week I took a few hours each day and thoroughly cleaned my floors.

It was a lousy project, but necessary. And I had a lot of time to reflect while I did it. (It’s not exactly a mentally demanding activity.) I want to share a few life lessons that scrubbing my tile floor illustrated, in no particular order.

1. Unfortunately hard work makes a difference: It was very evident when I did not spend the necessary amount of time on a section of tile. And, I had to go back and do it all over again. Working hard pays off. You can take breaks when you need them, but don’t rest by giving a project less effort than it deserves. You’ll just have to exert more effort to correct it.

2a. When you’re a mess, a little effort makes a big difference: The most filthy sections of tile were exactly where you’d expect, by the front door and in front of the stove. I could scrub these sections lightly and briefly and they’d still be worlds better than where they started. If life is an absolute mess, just beginning to make a few more good decisions will go a very long way.

2b. But, actually getting where you should be is always difficult: The tile at the door was filthy, but the tile in a low-traffic corner was not as bad, so it took a lot more effort to see a big difference in the cleaner tile than the dirtier tile. But getting either section of tile fully clean required hard work. So, yes, recognize the difference between who you are and who you were. But don’t forget to keep working on who you are called to be.

3. Company matters: I realized how filthy my floor was by comparison with a section that I knew was clean. When everything was equally dirty it was hard to notice. When we’re surrounded by filth it’s harder to notice our own filth. When we’re surrounded by filth, it’s easier to justify the filth that we do notice. When we’re surrounded by purity, the slightest bit of impurity in ourselves is made plain.

4. Diligence in the long-term prevents having to go through this kind of process again: I will scrub this floor again in a few months, and then every few months after. That will be enough to keep it as clean as it should be. The reason I had to do this project at all was because the previous owners did not clean it for years, potentially. All of the mopping my wife and I had done couldn’t cut through that kind of build-up. We need to work to become the sort of people we were intended to be, that we are called to be. If we work at it consistently and honestly, we won’t allow bad habits, impurities, sinfulness, whatever to take root. Once they do, it’s so much harder to clean up.

Anyone else have any life lessons learned through mundane tasks?

Loving God / Jealous Artist

In my last post I brought up the metaphor of a beautiful and flawless vase and its being the joy of the Artist who created it. We had just celebrated Easter and were exploring the thought of Jesus being the one perfect man in all of creation, and that it may have required God to live a life that preserved perfect humanity.

I want to carry that metaphor over into this post, but slightly modified. What are the perfect works of art that God has created and instilled within us for us to maintain? What do we do to destroy these gifts, to mar these works of beauty? What would it mean if God can forgive us the act of damaging His works, but they cannot be replaced, repaired, or restored this side of Heaven?

In a men’s group at church, a man described his not viewing pornography as “protecting my image of female beauty for my wife.” Were he to eventually choose to take in pornographic material, he could be forgiven, both by God and his wife. But his image of beauty would have been marred. Forgiveness does not necessarily erase the consequences of our actions. Images he allowed into his mind would not be taken away. They would remain even after repentance. He could be forgiven for damaging his ideal of beauty, but his ideal would never return to what is once was, to what it was intended to be.

Our sexuality is a good and beautiful gift and God’s deep desire for us, both as a loving God and as a masterful Artist, is that we pursue purity and not mar His creation. Whether we choose to abandon our sexual purity through immorality or we have it stripped from us through abuse, it can never be made whole again. It can never be made what it once was and what it was intended to be. Through His grace God may help us, over time and effort, glue and duct-tape us back together. Or He may not.

I take this all very seriously. I have experienced a lot of pain in regards to sexuality and received very, very little healing. Sexual sin is not inevitable. Sexual immorality is forgivable, but rarely fully recoverable. Our choices matter!

What are other examples of good, perfect, and beautiful gifts, divine artworks that God has given each of us that we can choose to either preserve or damage? What parts of God’s intention for us and our lives can He forgive us for abandoning and yet cannot be made whole again?

Easter Justice

This past Sunday was Easter and while sitting in service my mind wandered to a long-standing difficulty I’ve had with understanding Salvation. God is just, so I could never understand how the death of one man, even if one perfect man, could save the soul of every man and woman who ever lived. Justice would seem to demand that one perfect man would need to be sacrificed to save one sinner. One for one, not one for all.

I considered the fact that Jesus was God, but for some reason I think that Jesus’ humanity was more crucial to the act of Atonement than His divinity and that maybe it simply took a God to be the kind of man who could perform that act once and for all.

(I always get a little nervous with theological free-styling. I think things out and think things through. But all the thinking in the world is vain if it doesn’t ultimately lead you to Truth. Lord, lead me to Your Truth and forgive me my vanity.)

God is just, which means He hates evil and impurity. We know that side of His justice. But God’s justice also means that He loves goodness and purity. God hates, hates, HATES when we sin, when we fail to be who He designed us to be, when we allow impurity into our lives. But God loves, loves, LOVES when we do good, when we walk as He has called us, when we pursue purity.

What if God loves goodness more than He hates evil? What if God loves purity more than He hates impurity? What if His joy in one flawless man is more profound than His grief in all of fallen humanity?

We know that God hates sin, but I think we need to make a distinction between the sinful action and what the sinful act destroyed:

Imagine a priceless vase of unparalleled beauty and craftsmanship, the pride of the Artist. When we sin, we throw a rock and smash that vase while the Artist is made to watch. The Artist is heartbroken. We think of sin as God being upset that we threw stones, but we don’t usually remember God’s grief over what we destroyed, over what was lost.

In the Crucifixion, God allowed the only perfectly-preserved vase in all of creation to be destroyed. He even had to send His Son to protect it until the right time. God loves perfection more than He hates imperfection, so the destruction of the one perfect Man was such a cataclysm, such a loss, such a SACRIFICE. The injustice of a perfect Jesus being set apart from God, for even a moment, is so severe that it can atone for every imperfect person who asks.

Does that change the way we look at our actions? I think it does for me. I’m still working on this. When I am faced with a temptation, I think “Don’t do something bad!” I don’t often think “Preserve the Good!” The Good is where God’s heart is. We can’t do bad without destroying the Good, though. But, we need to remember that we REALLY are destroying something Good when we sin.

Do Good. Pursue Purity. God loves these things and grieves when we mar His creation. WE are His creatures and He grieves when we mar ourselves.